Here is an email exchange I recently stumbled upon from a 1996 diary.
T-Bird: David, I have a date tonight. Eek! It is with the guy I told you about who met me while I was out walking. Super attractive in-shape Asian (Thai named Chai), and he seems good hearted so far which is most important to me. We spoke for the first time last night on the phone for about half an hour. It was strangely and unexpectedly spiritual.
Because of a few things he said (he related how he was given by his family to his uncle as a boy to be raised as a Buddhist monk – was an incredible story) I have a feeling that my meeting him was not circumstantial. I am a bit nervous, but he is more nervous than I. I guess that I am beginning to practice a bit of what I have preached to you. Take care David, me.
David: Dear Will, I have a date tonight too. Or was your last night…..whatever. I hope your, mine goes well. Later, David.
Uh, I think I better tell you about my date in person. I am certainly glad the police did not stop and shine the light into my car as we parked up on Twin Peaks. I have never had such a young guy ever get my pants off so quickly and then get me to orgasm so quickly – and in my car. Come to think of it, No one has ever done this to me in a public (at night) setting. I never saw it coming.
It was an interesting experience. We’ll probably see one another again. I find him physically, and more importantly personally attractive. He is really built. Eight pack abs. Like a pocket size muscular dynamo. That is how the impossible (us doing what we did in a car parked on Twin Peaks with tourists walking by/around us) happened. And there is something, some great mystery, something spiritual about him that is unknown to me, but seems familiar at the same time. I could sit and listen to him for hours.
Be good David and only settle for goodness from another’s heart in return. Let me know how your date went. Will
Okay. How did it all turn out? It was still born, and it was my fault. While speaking with him we somehow got onto to subject of HIV and aids. I said something that I do not even know if I believed to be true. Something that hurt him to the core and killed any chance of a relationship. I motor mouthed stating that I did not think I could ever have a relationship with someone who was HIV positive.
After that night he was not wanting to get close to me. I was so stupid and ignorant and oblivious to reality, even when he once told he that he had to go home early so that he ‘could take some pills’. It took me until months later to realize that he was telling me that he was HIV positive and with my stupid mouth I had crushed him and crushed any chance of a relationship that I believed was supposed to happen. Curse my own stupid motor mouth and ignorance and lack of sensitivity. I was a human embarrassment, I now think.
To this day I still reflect in horror at the thought of pain I inflicted with my own stupidity on this tender soul. Doubly so since I have been tested by the fire of life and found that I am rock solid. I do not cut and run - ever. I am there with those I love until the very end, no matter what the fates bring. Forgive me, Chai the Thai. May your sweet soul shine in glory either in this world, or in the next world.
Were we supposed to be together in this world? The answer to this question is unknowable – the only thing knowable is the here and now. Perhaps in parallel universe we are or were together. But had we been together then the trajectory of so many things would have been altered in unpredictable ways that it is best to not even try to ponder “what if”.
I have learned about my motor mouth and opinions. I have become vastly more reflective, quiet and guarded about sharing pearls of wisdom now. I value silence. I value listening. I value reflection. I do not think this was true in 1996. I have changed for the better as I have aged and my soul become wiser. I will share of course, openly, when I receive the spiritual prompting to do so. But, I will no longer share just for the sake of hearing my own lips flapping. Never ever.
And I have learned to choose my words carefully. Before you decide to speak you must first consider whether you truly believe what you are about to say. If you are unsure, speak not.